Fading From View

It's been a while..

2007-08-13T18:26:26Z

I know it's been a little while since I posted.. but I'm still dropping weight.. Im scared.. because I know this is out of control.. even though that's all I ever wanted.. it sucks.. My ED has always ruled my life and always will..

so

2007-07-27T17:54:13Z

another couple pounds lost.. a million more to go..

day two

2007-07-25T21:26:02Z

Of my fast..

I've lost 6 lbs since friday
12 since last monday..

too bad I have so much to go..

Can't say I'm disappointed with the weight loss though

I feel dizzy, weak.. my throat goes numb.. but I will NOT give up.. actually I can't.. I can't physically eat.. I vomit.. but it's all good..

heh

Intake

2007-07-24T17:56:19Z

Sooo..

Gary wanted me to eat last night.. I was feeling horrible anyway from purging.. So i ate and kept down a little bit of venison steak.. and for a whole one it's only 35 cal.. so.. Not too bad.. I also ate a cracker.. About 20 cals..

Ill weigh in tomorrow!

I happened to have..

2007-07-23T21:29:01Z

the best boyfriend in the world..

He bought me a CHI. I've wanted one for YEARS.. Why do I deserve this?

Not to mention..

He's always there for me..

Couldn't ask for more..

and time goes on..

2007-07-23T13:22:34Z

HORRIBLE night.. WTF is wrong with me? I get really drunk.. eat a salad.. purge till i bleed.. and have a mental break down on my bf.. I was shaking and hyperventilating and even a hour after i stopped i couldn't stop shaking. I felt like just killing myself and he kept telling me to calm down and that he loves me and I'm beautiful. How can someone love ME? I don't want to hurt him like I hurt everyone else that cares about me. I don't want to hurt him like I've hurt my friends and my parents before. It's not fair to him. I love him so much.. How can someone put up with my shit so fucking much..

I feel so shaky this morning and I tried to drink a little juice and I just feel like throwing it up..so nausiated..

Life Sucks..

Soo..

2007-07-21T16:46:28Z

Im a fat ass.

I ate a salad yesterday.. no purging (gross)

My bf's friends came over and wanted to go out.. so we all wentout.. ended up going out to eat.. I ate a little spinach and artichoke dip.. When i stopped eating i literally almost threw up on the spot.. it was wierd.. I got really dizzy too. I came home and threw up because I felt so sick.. but then I drank.. a lot of shots..

Fat Ass..wtf am i doing.. trying to gain back what I lost?

Intake

2007-07-20T17:04:01Z

300 cal salad
Purged..
Lost 1 1/2 lbs today
5 today this week

Sometimes it feels like the world is crashing all around me..

2007-07-20T00:34:33Z

and inside im falling apart..

day three

2007-07-19T17:44:45Z

day three of my fast.. Im SO tired.. I lost two lbs since yesterday. Still huge as ever though. I will get back down to what I was and I'll be even smaller. God I can't think straight lol..

Back

2007-07-18T17:41:45Z

Back from the hospital. Passed meds today. I did good even though I got about 4 hours of sleep. I'm so exausted. I'm in the middle of day two of my fast. I feel weak. I weighed myself today. I weigh a lot more then I thought. I feel so disgusted... but motivated..

DAMN THIS

2007-07-18T03:30:43Z

Insomnia =/

I feel..

2007-07-18T01:55:27Z

those hunger pains again..

I must fight it.. I can't eat. Im DISGUSTING.

Life

2007-07-17T22:27:43Z

Im about to graduate Nursing school.
I have an AMAZING boyfriend. I couldn't ask for anything more.
I have the best best friend a girl could have.
My parents care about me and love me (Things were different in the past. But we all make mistakes. I've grown up. They've changed.)

YET

I hate life. I hate myself. Usually I feel like crawling in a hole to waste away. If it wasn't for my bf, I probably would. I feel out of control. Disgusting. HIDEOUS. So depressed.
I hate this feeling.

BUT

I am doing something about this fat. This nasty, disgusting fat that is everywhere on me. I've done it before. I will do it again. I'm a adult now. Noone can tell me to stop. I don't want to hurt others around me but I have to do this. I HAVE to. I hate myself so much..

I feel like I'm taking a dive off a cliff.. but there is no water underneath..

Goals

2007-07-17T19:42:51Z

Now

Sizes:
Pants - 11
Shirt - L or even XL (Ill blame my boobs to make myself feel a little better)

Weight:
165

Height:
5'9"

Short term weight goal: 140
Short term size: Pants - 7

What I want (Ultimate)

Sizes:
Pants - 0 to 3
Shirt - S to M

Weight: 100

Lowest weight: 120

I need to be thin. I need to feel my bones. I need to feel beautiful.

Intake today:

Adhd Medication - 0 cal much energy ;)
Water - 0 cal
Green Tea - 0 cal
Cigarettes - 0 cal
Aerobic Exercise 45 minutes so far